In review, with the goal of responding biblically to sin and the drama and conflict of relationships, we remember that Paul encourages us to, “Walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace”(Ephesians 4:1b-3). Later in Ephesians 4 we see that an important step toward this unity and peace with other Christians is ridding our own lives of the destructive sins characteristic of someone who is not a child of God. Another step is to recognize that when a Christian friend inconveniences us or makes an innocent mistake, Ephesians 4:32 encourages us to let grace cover this, “grace” being the root word for the English term “forgiving” in this verse.
We have also considered 4 emphases from Luke 17:1-4 regarding our response when a Christian friend does actually sin against us and/or God: 1) Sin is serious. 2) We have a responsibility to help a sinning brother. 3) Repentance is necessary for forgiveness. 4) We should forgive the repentant brother.
Matthew 18 contains another key passage dealing with response to the sin of Christian brothers. Although it suggests eventual church involvement, something which would be guided by church leadership and is outside the realm of our discussion in this blog, it presents principles which are a great guide for us on the personal level.
Christ instructs, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector”(Matthew 18:15-17).
We know that God values life and wants us to protect ourselves; so if a private confrontation would put us in physical danger, we should take someone with us or ask someone to go in our place. If abuse is involved, we also have a legal and societal responsibility to communicate to officers of the law, even if the abuser eventually repents, because repentance does not necessarily wipe out repercussions. When physical danger isn’t a concern, however, we should approach the offending brother privately. We may be tempted to share the situation with others who will commiserate with us, but the Scriptures instruct us to try to keep it, “between you and him alone.” Sharing information which is not appropriate to be shared is gossip; if it is untrue and also affects someone’s reputation, it is slander. The book of Proverbs offers wisdom on this topic: “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered”(Proverbs 11:13). “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler”(Proverbs 20:19). If we are not part of the situation or a legitimate part of the solution, we should walk away from the friend who’s criticizing another Christian. This is sometimes difficult! “The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body”(Proverbs 18:8). But avoiding the gossiper and refraining from gossip ourselves will alleviate some unnecessary drama.
Romans 1:29 begins a list of the personal qualities and activities of people who are ignorant of truth and reject God, and “gossip” is right in the middle. When Paul wrote his second letter to the Corinthian church, he said he was fearful of finding, “quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder”(2 Corinthians 12:20). Slander and gossip, once again, in the middle of the list. The natural result of jealousy, anger, and pride, they are a powerful tool of Satan, damaging reputations and destroying the loving peace and unity we should be working toward.
Several people groups share ancient fables related to the danger of gossip and slander. They have in common the wise teacher who instructs the gossiper to take a pile of feathers, toss the feathers into the wind, and then try to gather them up. One of the sad truths of slander and gossip is that even a repentant slanderer cannot ever truly fix the damage he has done.
By following the principles of Matthew 18:15-17 and approaching the sinning brother privately, we may find out that our view of the situation isn’t accurate. Or, if the brother actually has sinned, sometimes a conversation will help him recognize his problem and repent; then you have “gained a brother.” Continuing to follow the principles of Matthew 18, however, if a sinning Christian brother doesn’t repent, we should take another mature Christian with us to talk to him. If he still won’t repent, or there is no other mature Christian friend related to the situation to take with us, we should avoid that brother and pray for his repentance.
The goal of distancing ourselves from a Christian brother is threefold. First, the biblical response to sin glorifies God. Second, the biblical response helps the sinner because our avoidance of him reminds him of his need to deal with his sin. Third, the biblical response helps other Christians. Paul has harsh words for the Corinthian church in 1 Corinthians 5. Not only were they allowing immorality among their members, but they were actually proud of their ability to look the other way. Some Christians believe that ignoring or downplaying unethical business dealings, heresy, lying, immorality, and divisiveness of fellow-Christians is the loving response. Paul had to warn the Corinthian church that such an approach would cause sin to spread. Continued close friendship with the unrepentant Christian encourages other Christians to see these sins as unimportant rather than dangerous.
Our discussion over the past few reflections is primarily about conflict among Christians. Our reaction to the unsaved world around us should be different because the greatest need of the unsaved is salvation; we don’t expect them to desire to live biblically until they have a relationship with the Savior.
These are not easy situations. We must pray for biblical wisdom so that our correct response can glorify God, evidence love, truly help the sinner, and encourage other Christians to live biblically. We should also be thankful for the person who talks to us regarding a grievance rather than gossiping or slandering to those not involved.
—reflection 6 in a series